What You Became to Me
by caffinate-me
Summary: It had been an accident, a mistake. It had shown all over her face the morning after, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it, not the act at least, despite the circumstances. ThankYouTerri Prompt fill #48.


What You Became to Me

_Baby's black balloon makes her fly_

_I almost fell into that hole in your life_

It had been an accident, a mistake. It had shown all over her face the morning after, when he had walked out of the bedroom of the Los Angeles hotel room. She was dressed in those skin-tight jeans and white shirt sitting on the floor in front of the whiteboard she had managed to procure through those witchy feminine wiles of hers, and probably a slipped twenty. Her expression was a mixture of guilt and regret. He could only nod in return, an unspoken agreement that it wouldn't happen again. Not while she was mourning the loss of her mentor and definitely not while she was still in a relationship with another man. It had been a slip of judgment, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it, not the act at least, despite the circumstances. His only regret was how she had withdrawn from him afterward. How awkward and stuttered their slowly blossoming relationship had suddenly become.

She had become more defensive over the weeks that followed, further withdrawn than he had ever thought possible. Even though things were strained and they had barely spoken to each other outside precinct, except to yell and her words still cut him to the core days later, he couldn't help but whisper to her, pleading as she lay bleeding in the grass. He had to let her know that it hadn't meant nothing to him, the way she had accused as they faced off in the apartment. It, she, meant everything even though she had pushed and clawed, denial and guilt reinforcing that wall long ago built.

_We're over. Whatever the hell we were, whatever we weren't, it's over. And to answer your question it meant nothing to me, so you don't have to worry about doing right by me, or assuaging your own guilt for a mistake. You can leave with a clear conscience, Castle._

It was only his own anger and stubbornness that had kept him from turning back around when the door slammed shut behind him and her sob echoed through the stone wall.

He didn't care. He couldn't, he wouldn't. Only he did. And so he stayed, he told her he loved her as his hands tried to press the life back into her. Silent tears rolled down both their cheeks as she lay dying in the grass. He told her to hang on. For him.

_And you're not thinking 'bout tomorrow_

_Cuz you were the same as me_

His face wasn't the first she saw when she awoke. She had expected it as she swam toward consciousness. Despite what she had said, how she had pushed, she had expected him there. Her heart fell, sending jolts of guilt to her core when her eyes had blinked Josh into focus instead.

"Hey…"

His eyes were dark despite the smile trying to force its way across his face, his fingers gently caressing hers, stroking over her knuckles.

"Hey… wha happen?"

She knew, somewhere in her memory was the answer to the question, but the world was still blurry. Her body was disturbingly numb. Not good numb. It was wrong. She could feel the panic slowing rising through her chest, amplified by the rising beep of the heart monitor as her breath started to come in short puffs and pants.

"Kate… Kate… listen to me."

His words were there, garbled as if they were coming through a tunnel.

"Breathe. You have to breathe. Come on, Kate. You can do it."

Her vision blurred as the world tilted on its side, her hand falling limply to the stiff white sheet as she attempted to raise it to her head.

"Big breaths. Slow."

She pulled in a breath, filling her lungs, holding it until it burned before blowing it out. Her head swam as the room righted itself, her eyes drifting shut.

"Do you remember what happened?" Josh murmured after a minute.

Her head bobbed in a single nod. Shot. She had been shot, the bullet ripping through her chest. She had been given her eulogy and then she was bleeding on the grass and Castle hovering over her, begging her to stay with him…

_Stay with me, Kate. Stay with me. I love you. I love you, Kate._

"I," her voice croaked past her lips as her eyes darted across the ceiling tiles and fluorescent lights. "I got shot."

"Yeah, you did."

Her heartbeat picked up again as her fingers twitched, her thumb brushing the side of her abdomen. A tear leaked out of the corner of her eye. "I…"

"They repaired the damage to your heart and your lung. You're going to be fine, Kate… and so is the baby."

Kate's eyes met his for the first time since she awoke, the spark of hope and wonder in hers dulling as they met the knowing realization in his.

"I know it's not mine, Kate."

She parted her chapped lips to protest, to voice a lame denial.

"You're eight weeks along, that means I was in Peru when you got pregnant." His gaze fell to where his fingers had stilled on top of hers.

"I'm sorry." The words came out as a whisper. She hadn't meant to hurt him, to cheat, definitely not to get pregnant by another man. That wasn't her.

A small sad smile crossed his lips as he rose from the chair. He planted a soft kiss on the crown of her head before straightening up completely.

"Take care of yourself, Kate. And let him take care of you too."

Any reply she could have formed was cut off as the door opened, and a familiar head of hair with a billowing bouquet of flowers stepped into the room.

"Hey, Castle."

She tried to force a smile to her face. He graced her with a hesitant one of his own, which fell momentarily as Josh walked past him and out the door, without looking back. Her heart was in her throat as she watched the interaction between the two men with trepidation. He wouldn't tell, would he? Yes, Castle was her medical emergency contact along with her father, but Josh wouldn't tell them about the baby without her consent, right?

"Hey."

His soft return of greeting pulled her back to the present as he set the flowers down on a table at her side, and slid into the chair Josh had just vacated.

One complication in her life replaced by another.

"How you feeling?"

She merely quirked a tired eyebrow at him.

"Right…" He replied with a self-deprecating chuckle as he ran his hand through his hair, blunt fingernails scratching at his scalp before dropping it to grasp hers. "Stupid question."

"I hear you tried to save me." Kate murmured, pulling her fingers away from his loose grip. It was too much. She had only received confirmation about the baby days before. She had suspected for weeks but the answer in front of her in black and white, the words out of her doctor's mouth had still shocked her from her series of excuses. She had been trying to work up the confidence to tell him mere hours before they had fought, before he had failed to deny that it had been anything more than a mistake.

"You… heard." The pain was evident in his voice. "You don't remember."

"They say somethings are better left forgotten."

Like being shot in the chest, and having the man you love and the father of your unborn child not being able to express his true feelings until you are lying half-dead on the ground.

Her eyes met his, silently imploring him to say it again while she was here, alive and well. Tell her he loved her, it wasn't a mistake and they could be happy together. Then she could tell him about the baby and that she was excited about the future they could build, no matter how messed up they both were.

But the words didn't come, he simply fell silent and she couldn't do this dance, not now. She was tired, too tired and as the physical pain started to return, the emotional numbness remained.

"You should go. I'm tired."

"Right. I'll see you tomorrow."

"No. I need a few days."

"A week then?"

"I'll call you, okay?"

"Right."

They both knew it was a call that wouldn't come.

_Comin' down the years turn over_

_And angels fall without you there_

_And I'll go on and I'll lead you home_

He stared at his phone for hours each day for the first month.

During the second month every and all possible lead for her shooter dried up and he was kicked out the precinct on orders from the new captain. He found himself stationed in the hallway of her apartment building, fist pounding on her door, a fifth of scotch flowing through his blood.

The call came the second Thursday of August, almost exactly three months from the day she was shot.

When he arrived at the address Jim Beckett had told him over the phone, he found a picturesque cabin snuggled in the middle of the woods, at the end of a dirt drive. A small path led to the dock, a jon boat tied to the side.

His hand paused inches from the front door. He could do this. He could find the words that had been missing for months, those he could not bring himself to say in the hospital room. With one final breath he knocked, listening intently for signs of movement on the other side. He knocked again louder, more confident. When she still failed to answer, he twisted the handle, pushing the heavy wooden door open as he stepped inside calling his greeting.

He called his way through the living room, rounding the counter in the kitchen. He paused, listening at the door of the bedrooms, knocking before pushing the doors open only to reveal empty tousled beds and small piles of dirty clothing. Like father, like daughter. His brow creased as he approached the last closed door, knocking before twisting the handle to reveal the single dated but clean bathroom.

Castle let out a huff. Jim had told him that he would be heading into town but that Kate would still be here.

_She hasn't left the property in two months, Rick. She's not going to start now. She loves you. She won't admit it, not to me, and especially not to you. She's going through a lot right now and even if you do come she's going to try to push you away but she needs you, and I know you need her. It won't be easy but it will be worth it, Rick, trust me on that. Head up there this weekend and you'll see for yourself._

"Kate?" He called as he darted back through the house. Panic slowly crept up his spine. Jim would have snuck him a text if Kate had decided to go shopping with him.

He burst out the front door, rounding the side of the porch to get a better view of the dock, calling her name as he scanned the property, but she wasn't there. Castle fumbled with his phone, pulling it from his pocket, cursing as it flashed "no service" back at him.

The vision of her beneath him, dark green eyes staring deeply into his as he kissed her, made love to her, their bodies moving in unison rhythm, like they had been one of thousands of times, not the first morphed into the Dragon's man back to finish the job. Kate on the ground in the middle of the words, bleeding, dying, her hoarse voice calling for help. Stitches long healed pulling open, blood oozing from her chest, as blue lips whispered, pleaded for help. A perfectly round bullet wound between lifeless eyes staring up at the sky.

"Kate!"

The yell sounded from his lips, the panic laced syllable echoing through the small clearing, across the water and into the woods.

"Castle?"

His eyes slammed shut as his heart continued to pound, white knuckles gripped the wooden railing running the length of the porch. They fluttered open again when the need for visual confirmation of the chant in his mind that she was here, she was okay, overwhelmed him.

She was perfect. The dark smudges under her eyes and slight hunch of her shoulders told the story of her exhaustion. The sweat dripping down her temples, the haphazard mess of hair on her head and the bottle of water in her hand revealing the workout she had just forced herself through. And the swelling in her belly that shown through her ribbed tank top told him she was…

"You're pregnant?"

Beckett froze at the edge of the porch, eyes wide, right foot propped on the first step. "What are you doing here, Castle?"

She let out a tired huff when he failed to respond, his eyes glued to the telltale bump. She brushed past him, and through the door to the cabin.

"I, um," he stuttered as he snapped out of his haze, turning to follow her through the open door. "Your dad called, told me you were here."

"Of course he did."

He could practically see the roll of her eyes as she continued to saunter away from him.

"Is it… Are you… How?"

He watched as she leaned over the sink, hands braced against the edge of the counter, back stiff.

"She's yours if that's what you're getting at."

"She?" The word was barely a whisper, pure awe as it flew off his lips. Kate Beckett was pregnant with his baby and it was a little girl.

"I found out at my appointment on Thursday."

"Thursday… That's when your dad called."

She looked back toward him, turning to rest her hips against the counter, her lower lip pulled firmly between her teeth. "I, um."

She paused, curling a loose lock of hair behind her ear as her eyes cut away to stare out the window. Only the rustle of leaves and the tick of the tall grandfather clock in the living room filled the space.

"I sort of broke down after, finally told him you were the father. It wasn't pretty." Her eyes were glistening as they slid back over to him, assessing him.

His numb fingers ran through his hair. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

The rest of the sentence, hung unspoken in the thick air between them. Before now. Before you were shot. Before you disappeared for three months to lick your wounds in silence.

Her eyes met his again then, full of wariness, guilt and pain far beyond her thirty-one years. "You never denied it was a mistake, Rick. And if you couldn't say you wanted more when it was just me, how could I possibly think you'd want more with her too?"

"I…" Again he cursed his words, which had talked him out of many a tight situation, for leaving him. "Josh?"

Her lips tilted up into a wince of a smile. "Gone."

"And you? You're okay? She's okay?"

Her head jerked in a short nod, a small genuine smile playing at her lips. "They called her a miracle baby. Said she shouldn't have survived me getting shot."

The smile fell, and he knew it wasn't the end of the story. So he stayed silent, inching forward slightly to lean against the L in the counter, as he waited for her to continue.

"They still recommended I get an abortion. Said it was a bad idea for me, for my heart, to carry a baby right now. When I refused they told me I was high risk. I would need a C-Section and that I would probably be on bed rest for my entire third trimester. But she's a fighter, Castle and so am I. We're going to be fine. We'll make it."

There was a resolution in her eyes, buried under layers of exhaustion and fear.

Castle's hand shook as he wiped the fine sheen of sweat that had formed from his brow. The vision of the woman in front of him, sliding to the ground, blood bubbling up through her lips, rushing from her body as her body fell limp, the small life within her slipping away with her taking over his thoughts.

"What if you don't?" The words were a quiet musing, not meant to slip past his lips. But her eyes flew to his, a fire flaring.

"She's all I've got, Castle. Everyone is gone. My mom, Montgomery, my job, Josh… you. Everyone left but I still have her, I'm not giving up on her without a fight. So those damn doctors can say way they want and you can go back to your books, your perfect family and let us be."

Her breaths were coming in short pants, her chest heaving.

"Kate!" He caught her, his hands cradling her elbows just as her knees buckled. Bracing her into his side he walked her slowly over to the couch, keeping her from slipping to the ground.

"They said that I need to watch my blood pressure, keep myself from getting too upset." She stated with a tired, wry smile once she sunk back into the cushions. The purple-black smudges under her eyes highlighted by the paling of her cheeks. "I managed fine for two months and then you show up for five minutes."

She watched him warily out of the corner of her eye as he sat down next to her, his arm winding around her shoulders, pulling her into his side. His own wall of stubbornness crumbled. This was too much, too important to be lost to pride.

"You never meant nothing to me, Kate. You mean everything." He took a deep breath as she relaxed into him, fingers wrapping themselves in the front of his shirt. "And my family isn't perfect, not without you. Both of you."

Her lips curved up into a smile against his chest.

"So, a girl, huh?" He continued when she failed to respond or move, her breaths steady and slow against his shirt.

"Yeah."

"And on the first try. Damn, I'm good."

"Who knows, it could have been the second or the third."

He chuckled at that, her smile growing as his chest vibrated under her cheek. They could do this. She would push; he would pull. They were both shattered versions of themselves, but she couldn't do this alone and he couldn't do it without her. So, they would do it together. For her.

"Castle?"

"Yeah?" He murmured as he dropped a kiss to the top of her head.

"I love you too."

_And I'll become_

_What you became to me_

_-Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls_

* * *

><p>Prompt: Beckett is pregnant with Castle's baby when she gets shot (Castle doesn't know). After being MIA and recovering at her dad's cabin for months, Castle is worried and goes to find her. When he does, she is unconscious, bleeding, and obviously pregnant." Filled as a gift to WritingOnTheCastleWalls, via a generous contribution from a friend to YoungStoryTellers dot com slash ThankYouTerri. See all the prompts and fills at ThankYouTerri dot tumblr dot com.<p>

*I would like to say that I had to modify this prompt slightly before writing this. I, personally, could not write this where Kate had a miscarriage. That being said, being shot AND having severe bleeding (assuming the prompter meant vaginal bleeding) would 99.9% of the time end in miscarriage. In fact there is a very high probability that her body would not sustain a pregnancy after being shot at all especially not if she was still in the first trimester. So, I still suspended reality a little bit in writing this.*

A/N: I would like to take a moment to everyone who donated to, promoted and overall supported TYT. We collectively did an amazing thing.

Thank you also to KC for the beta and for being a medical sounding board.


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